Listening is difficult.

I just completed an 8-week mentorship as part of a Christian Leadership course. Each week, we’ve hashed out an array of topics focused on becoming a better leader.

Our last discussion was centred around listening.

I think I’ve always understood that there’s a huge difference between hearing someone speak and listening to what they’re saying. And I’ve never struggled listening to someone per say. I really do care about what they’re saying.

I struggle with how long they take to say it.

Half way through their explanation, my thought is typically,

“I know where you’re going. You made your point. Let’s tie this up and move on!“

Then I’m tempted to give some physical indicator to move the story along, or straight up interrupt with a related comment or question.

I’m not saying this is a good thing. This is just what happens…constantly! And I hate it when I behave this way!

I remember the first time someone called me on it.

Youth Worker Rebuke

Years ago, serving as a youth pastor in Alaska, I was meeting with one of my most faithful youth workers. After we got through some planning and essential discussions, I asked if there was anything I could be working on.

She replied quickly. “You need to hear people out.”

She could see that I was dumb-founded (and maybe slightly hurt), so she explained further.

“When someone’s explaining something to you, I can see that you already have an answer before they’re finished. You’ve been able to solve the problem quickly, which is a good thing. And you’re eager to help them, which is also a good thing.

But you can’t interrupt them.

You need to be patient and let them finish their thought. Then you can help them.“

It’s All About Patience

Now, let’s be real that I DO NOT have it altogether! The bane of my existence is my inability to chill during conversations. Especially when the topic is on something I’m excited about, like leadership .

I feel like I’m at the Golden Coral of conversation. The temptation to gorge myself on ideas and concepts is overwhelming! My brain is running a mile-a-minute and my mouth is dying to run alongside of it.

It’s just so hard to listen when there’s so much to be said!

It doesn’t matter though. I have to continually walk into every conversation, with an internal public service announcement:

“YOU CAN BE PATIENT. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. YOU CAN BE PATIENT. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. YOU CAN BE PATIENT. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU…“

For those of us who are high-capacity communicators, we have to slow the brain-train down, so that our mouths aren’t tempted to pull us off the tracks.

Planning To Be Patient

Again, I’m so far from fully having my listening skills under control, but I have discovered a couple of techniques that help. (Other than the public service announcement!)

1. Before the meeting, have an agenda of what’s going to be discussed. With my Ministry Leaders, some of them come with certain topics they want to discuss and that serves as a rough agenda.

If they don’t have an agenda, I keep a set of questions that I gleaned from Andy Stanley in my Evernote:

1. What are you most excited about right now?
2. What do you wish you could spend more time on?
3. What is most challenging right now?
4. Is anything annoying you?
5. What can I do to help?

Knowing that the questions are just a guide, and not the end goal, helps to keep me more patient than I otherwise would be.

2. During the meeting start making a list. Either on paper of in an app like Evernote, write down the subsequent ideas or thoughts that may railroad the discussion.

This is particularly useful with long-talkers. You know, those people who take a 5-minute principle and stretch it into a 20-minute parable. As the parable unfolds, jot down each comment, question or concern.

You might get to them all in this lifetime. You might not. It’s okay. Let it go.

SIDE NOTE that you should disclose if you’re taking notes on your phone. Even better, sit in a position so they can see that you’re using a notes app. This affirms that you’re paying attention and not on social or texting.

3. After the meeting the meeting has to end. Maybe the topic gets bumped to another meeting, but maybe it doesn’t. Sometimes we have to rest in God’s plan that certain discussions didn’t get air-time, and might never get air-time.

It’s crazy difficult! Or it is for me anyway. But we have to have the patience to filter and let things go.

It’s not easy when everything’s so important, but…I CAN BE PATIENT. THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. I CAN BE PATIENT. THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. I CAN BE PATIENT. THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME…“