HOW A PARENT’S INFLUENCE TRUMPS CONTROL
More Is Caught, Than Taught!
A couple of days ago, we looked at the parent-trap of trying to control a teen’s behaviour. It often leads the teen down a path toward exasperation and embitterment.
There’s a better way to raise teenagers!
First (1), a parent must relinquish their desire control their teen, and give it to the Lord. Second (2), in faith, concentrate on the influence they have on their teens.
Parents should keep this phrase in mind: “More is caught, than taught!“
This phrase reminds us that our children are constantly learning and following our behaviours. And by the teen years, our children have figured out all the areas where our words don’t align with our behaviour.
“Do As I Say, Not As I Do!“
By the teen years, our bad behaviours have given them permission to embrace similar bad behaviours. And the old adage, “do as I say not as I do” is definitely not a Biblical motto (and it just doesn’t work).
Here’s a few examples:
- If we have low standards on the media we take in, where gore, nudity and gratuitous violence are frequent content; we should not be surprised if our teens have low standards on the media they take in.
- If we have low standards in the language we use, where vulgarity and sexual or religious profanity is commonplace; we should not be surprised if our teens use language that’s vulgar and profane.
- If we have low standards in our relationships with other people, where anger, gossip and bitterness are routine; we should not be surprised when our teens relationships are filled with similar problems.
This is because we have influence on our teenagers.
Parents may not believe it and teens may not want to believe it, but every moment a parent spends with their teen is an opportunity to influence them either positively or negatively.
And if parents can fully grab hold of that concept, they’ll see that it holds incredibly more parenting power than control ever did!
Trinity Teenagers
I believe the above principles hold true because it’s how God relates to us. He influences us through the Father’s sovereign hand, the Son’s sacrifice bringing us freedom from sin and the Holy Spirit illuminating Scripture for us and guiding us daily.
The Trinity as a perfect parent doesn’t control us but chooses to influence us.
As parents, we have to keep this example in mind.
Psalm 119
Psalm 119 is a well-known passage in church circles and it has a few keys to a parent having top-notch influence.
“9 How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. 10 I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. 11 I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. 12 Praise be to you, Lord; teach me your decrees.” (Ps. 119:9-12)
Now maybe some of you hear me read these words, “…young person…” and think to yourself, “Preach it Jeremy! My teenager needs to hear this!“
Well, maybe that’s true, but if there’s one thing I learned in my youth ministry days, it’s that a pastor telling a teenager to get into the Word has far less influence than a parent who is frequently in the Word.
Our language and behaviours have influence! So, living according to God’s Word will have influence! Seeking Him with all our heart will have influence! Hiding God’s Word in our heart will have influence!
Outside Influence
Maybe some of you may be thinking, “Okay Jeremy, we can work on that, but what about other people? I’m not the only influence in my teenager’s life!” That’s true, what about outside influence?
Though I firmly believe a parent’s influence is the strongest, teens will always have other influences. There will be family influence from siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.
Then there will be friends, teachers and coaches that will have influence at school, clubs and sports. Then there are church influences; family friends, camp staff, youth leaders, community group members, church staff and the pastor.
This is a big list of influences!
Depending on the person, a parent may want to limit or increase the amount of influence each of these people have on their teen.
The Influence Of the Church
I know I’ve said it a few times, but at the risk of sounding like a broken record, churches need youth ministries.
Every parent should be seeking the Lord and influencing their teens with His guidance. However, parenting teenagers without the aid and influence of the church is a very difficult responsibility.
Teens in the church and the teens in our world need positive outside influences today.
So who will fill that void?
Every conversation is an influence opportunity, to show kindness and build them up. In turn, this is in an opportunity to show kindness to their parents, to build up their parents and the family as a whole.
